Understanding Dating as Autistic Women: The Fun, The Slow and The Hilarious

Let's address some vulnerability upfront: I never thought I'd write about dating, as it has never really interested me and I’m no good at it. I've never been much of an expert when friends approached me to talk about dating. However, after discovering I'm autistic, I started to think about my past "dating" experiences. I realised how much I had overlooked because I didn't understand the intentions of those who are interested in me.

Reflecting on my past experiences, I realise that as an autistic woman who wasn't entirely aware of the significant aspect of my identity—autism—I may have underestimated my unique perspectives on dating. As autistic women, we value the path of exploring romantic relationships through our unique views, while embracing our true autistic selves. Although we might be slow to notice when someone is interested in us, our experiences often lead to amusing stories.

The belief that autistic women are undesirable or unattractive is a misconception. This assumption can lead to misdiagnosis or the need for a diagnosis being overlooked. If you have a preconceived notion of what someone with autism should look like, you are plain wrong. We all have different appearances, and our attractiveness varies as much as our individual traits, which is a unique charm in itself. It's puzzling when people say, "Well, you don't look autistic." What does that even mean?

In this post, I'll recount my experiences as an undiagnosed autistic teenage girl and as a young woman. I'll reflect on the insights I've gained about dating after realising I am an autistic woman. I'll explore the fun mishaps of romantic relationships, both during my time as an undiagnosed autistic girl and later as a woman. Through trial and error, I discovered some communication techniques for expressing love and intimacy, and I'll discuss how to embrace vulnerability and authenticity in our relationships.

The Slow Aspects of an Undiagnosed Autistic Teenage Girl

Some might view discovering our autism later in life as a drawback, but I perceive it as an chance to understand our differences before being labeled. It also lets us create unique experiences that can become memorable stories, allowing us to cherish our innocence, knowing they'll bring laughter during difficult times. As an autistic woman, I share these insights to encourage others to recognise the often overlooked efforts of undiagnosed autism and to make informed choices.

Since my autism diagnosis arrived for me as an adult, not only have I been reflecting, but my husband has also been reflecting, and for him, many aspects of our dating experience now make sense. For instance, he understands why it took me a long time to notice his interest in me and why his romantic gestures had no effect on me.

My husband expressed his feelings about how he had tried countless times to win my affection, yet I remained completely oblivious and far from reciprocating. He was also curious about what I was like in my younger years, which prompted us to explore the topic further. Our conversations have resurfaced many memories of my teenage years, making me reflect on how unaware I must have been as an autistic girl navigating various schools after moving to the UK.

Autistic Girl Meets Boy

One particular memory from when I was 14 stands out: I enrolled in a coeducational school in England, which was quite an experience since I had always attended the same all-girls school in Far East Asia. The stark differences in culture, rules (or the absence of them), and language barriers were so significant that I wasn't overly focused on being in a mixed-gender environment.

I recall a memory from my second day when a boy came up to me while his friends stood nearby, whispering among themselves. The boy gave me a perfectly square envelope and asked me to open it. I carefully opened it and slid out a card with a simple design on the front. Inside, it was written in Chinese: "Hello, how are you? Nice to meet you. I look forward to getting to know you." It took me a moment, but I eventually said, "Thank you."

Upon seeing the card, my initial reaction was that the handwriting was quite poor, yet the card appeared handmade, with a smooth texture and a subtle scent. My next thought was that he must be a class ambassador, and this was likely part of the welcome committee's tradition for new students. At this point, I realised I was late for class, so I quickly made my way to the classroom, leaving the boy behind.

The exchange was very brief, and I wasn't sure about what action to take regarding the meeting with this boy. As a result, I didn't do anything, but I kept the card because I liked its texture and how it smelled.

So, let’s unpack the cultural aspects first. As an Asian girl who was born and grew up in Asia, card giving is not very common in our culture. Typically, we only receive cards for official events like weddings or award ceremonies. That doesn't apply here; my brain processed it as a binary zero, so it translated to there’s no need for a follow-up.

Two weeks later, the boy approached me again, this time giving me a note that read, "Hope you're settling in well. I would like to get to know you better." I replied with a hesitant "okay," while internally questioning, "What does he mean by better? How do we measure better?"

The second thing to unpack is that I clearly had no clue how the social norms function in this new environment, indicating that the rules and practices I had mastered in my previous world are irrelevant here. My younger self was too oblivious to the situation, leading my brain to conclude that the ask was vague; what exactly did he want to know about me? It seemed too open-ended to me, and I was unsure about the context, so it still equates to zero, and I decided no action was needed. Let’s munch on some snacks.

Autistic Girl Encounters An Older Boy

I remembered another time when I was indulging in my own company; fixated on a bunch of different art supplies in my favourite classroom during break, while everyone else was outside enjoying their free time. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I turned to see who it was, there stood a tall older boy, uncomfortably close. He seemed to be smiling at me, and before I could figure out his expression, he began moving even closer.

He remained silent, steadily moving closer until he was just about a centimetre from my face. He looked into my eyes for what seemed like an eternity, making me very uncomfortable. I attempted to slide my feet back, but my thighs were already against the desk.

As he leaned over me, reaching his arms around to place his hands on the desk, I froze for a moment and kept moving backward until I was fully seated on the desk. He maintained his gaze and tilted the corner of his mouth once more. In these moments, all I want is to return to my newfound interest—art.

Compared to the other experience, this boy was quite bold, and his actions seemed more straightforward and literal to me. However, reflecting on the situation, I think it's important for the boy to ask for consent rather than assuming his actions were romantic. Even Mr. Grey asks you to sign a contract first.

Reflections on My Lack of Awareness of Affection

As an undiagnosed autistic girl navigating certain aspects of a new culture and at the same time receiving attention from my peers, it was an interesting time that demanded extra effort. The contrast in social norms related to dating compared to my own culture, along with the challenge of interpreting unspoken expectations, represented a significant stage in my life.

I've always been slow to understand others' attention or know how to react to affection. It's not because I'm a cold person, but because a different ability is activated when people engage with me. Instead of instinctively understanding the significance of these interactions, I need time to decode what matters in a given situation.

Consequently, I transform situations that demand extra effort, which don't come naturally to me, into a fun pattern recognition exercise, enabling me to approach them using my own unique methods. However, this might appear as disinterest.

To illustrate this practically, I'll first use the example of the boy with the handmade card. As an autistic teenage girl, I recognised a series of expectations I didn't understand and a set of behaviours that were unfamiliar to me, which means I'd need more context. Instead of spending my effort to try to crack the codes that were unclear, I chose to gather the patterns I needed from these interactions before deciding on the best actions to take. I followed with a decision to prioritise going to my class, where I was scheduled to be.

Throughout our autistic teenage years and beyond, embracing our authentic selves is far more important than masking who we are to please others. Sometimes, this might mean missing a dating opportunity. However, I believe that if an opportunity can be missed, maybe it wasn't worth our time to begin with.

In the second situation, involving the older boy, things were more complex. However, I relied on my natural calmness, completely uninterested in the wooing chaos unfolding around me. I'm generally slow to develop attractions, so despite him being an attractive guy, I thought his behaviour was inappropriate, especially for someone senior to me.

To be clear, I wasn't scared; I simply wanted to return to my art. After all, who wouldn't prefer a paintbrush over awkward flirting? Even at a young age, my special interests are as precious to me as a secret stash of rice crackers, and as far as I know, they don't come with an expiration date! And last time I checked, boys aren't one of my special interests.

Now, as an autistic woman, I find that I'm quite similar to how I was when I was younger. I also came to the understanding that I was right to take my sweet time, as dating at my own pace is far more enjoyable and allows me to build a healthier relationship.

We may find ourselves in situations where we're slower to engage, but rather than hurrying to keep up, we can acknowledge that we simply need more time. It's important to remember that nothing is worth compromising our wellbeing for, and masking our true selves would ultimately be harmful. Let them wait.

Understanding the Difference Between Friendship and Dating as a Young Autistic Woman

From my late teens into young adulthood, I struggled to form friendships with other girls or women. Instead, I often found myself surrounded by guy friends, likely because I've always been a tomboy. I'm not very familiar with the interests of other girls and young women. When I'm around them, I tend to mask more, whereas many of the boys and young men I knew seemed more straightforward and didn't mind my bluntness.

The reason might also be that I wasn't very skilled in the emotional aspects of social interactions, and generally, girls and women tend to have higher emotional intelligence than boys and men. This suggests that I might not provide what girls and women typically seek in a female friend as much as my peers do. Additionally, I might come across as standoffish or rude to them, although that was never my intention.

However, I recall a particular girl friend who always seemed to appreciate my quirks. She understood that I am slow to recognise attention and affection from others and was always the first to explain when I was unaware of others' intentions. I gained a lot of insights from this amazing person.

As a young autistic woman often surrounded by guys, I frequently found it challenging to differentiate between those interested in friendship and those interested in something more. I often ended up in situations where I held eye contact a bit too long, causing the other person to misinterpret my intentions and lean in for a kiss—luckily, I have reaction like a tiger. Perhaps I hadn't yet mastered the art of gauging friendliness in my younger years.

Similarly, I sometimes smiled too widely, leading someone to think I was interested, and they would invite me to hang out. I usually misunderstood "hanging out" as spending time with friends, typically involving a fun activity I enjoyed. So, I would invite my guy friends to join, assuming we all shared the same interest and would have a great time together. Right?

While these stories often make me laugh, they also serve as learning experiences that I add to my collection, allowing me to reference them when similar situations arise. It's like being a walking database of useful expressions that hint at potential interest or a pattern of signals indicating a desire for more than just friendship.

Understanding the distinction between friendship and dating often takes time for many of us—autistic women. It's important to be patient with ourselves and utilise our unique abilities to navigate this journey, all while not forgetting to have fun. I've discovered that the most effective way to gain clarity is by asking direct questions when things are uncertain or by encouraging the other person to be straightforward with you. This approach reflects basic human respect, as none of us can read minds, and asking is the only way to understand. This principle also extends to consent—just ask.

Navigating Relationships as an Autistic Woman

As an autistic woman, I interpret relationships and real connections quite differently from how I approach dating. Before marrying my husband, I only had two long-term relationships. I've always considered the roles within a relationship to be far more complex than those in dating. This complexity arises because dating involves less responsibility, fewer expectations to meet, and more time to ourselves without any guilt.

Balancing between ourselves and our partner is a delicate task in any relationship, particularly when autism is involved. This is because understanding the roles of girlfriend, partner, or wife may not be straightforward for us. It may also take us more time to understand our partner's needs, as we don't naturally assume others' emotions. As a result, we might end up sacrificing too much of ourselves or not enough for the other person, potentially due to our tendency for black-and-white thinking or an all-or-nothing mindset.

Over the years, I've learned that being clear is crucial when discussing emotions, particularly in dating. If I'm not interested in someone, I ensure to communicate this plainly, and if I do like the person, I express it directly. This approach reduces potential misunderstandings and the chaos often associated with dating.

As an autistic woman in a relationship, I appreciate the stability and predictability, viewing them as positive elements of my deep connection and important to my wellbeing. However, I occasionally encounter the issue of my partners making neurotypical assumptions, leading them to avoid addressing matters directly, which increases tension. Additionally, the other person might interpret their small gesture as a hint, while I might not notice it at all.

For instance, one of my partners couldn't grasp why I repeatedly watched the same show at the end of each day. Watching something familiar allows me to unwind after a long day at university and work since I know it inside out, and it offers no surprises or extra demands, unlike what I might encounter during the day.

At that moment, my lack of experience prevented me from understanding his annoyance, and I didn't have enough knowledge in my walking database to interpret his expectations. Instead of showing genuine curiosity about my reasons, he assumed and remarked, "I can't believe you're watching the same thing again," before leaving the room. I didn't pay much attention and carried on with my show, wondering "Believe it! He can see I'm watching it. What a strange thing to say?"

On the flip side, these are learning experiences that I plan to apply to future relationships. One of my most memorable experiences was when I openly expressed my dislikes, and my partner immediately apologised, making sure it didn't happen again. This honesty led to an unexpected and meaningful conversation about our vulnerabilities, which ultimately strengthened our connection.

Dating as an autistic woman means recognising my own needs, and it's completely acceptable to take the time to identify them. Additionally, it's important to find a partner who truly respects us and is interested in understanding our uniqueness and vulnerability.

Communication Strategies for Expressing Love and Intimacy

Communication can be challenging. People often have different interpretations of love and intimacy. For a neurotypical partner, love might involve physical closeness, whereas I might feel more connected through intellectual engagement, in-depth discussions, and shared interests such as cooking, design, and technology. These differences can occasionally lead to misunderstandings, but they can also encourage meaningful conversations.

1. Using Direct Communication

Being consistently straightforward has always been my guiding principle in life. While I find it simple to implement in a professional setting or apply to situations where I'm not emotionally invested, it becomes difficult when dealing with those I’m supposed to love and care for. I've always valued family and loved ones highly. As a result, I tend to overthink every detail, aiming to understand and fulfil their emotions before expressing my own needs and desires. This often leads me to sacrifice too much to meet these expectations.

After realising this aspect of myself, I began using the same directness consistently in my personal life, which has proven to be an effective communication strategy. If I detect a change in behaviour with my pattern recognition abilities, hear a difference in breathing with my sensory sensitivity, or observe a change in my partner's walking pace with my attention to detail, I directly ask, "Are you sad?" or "Are you angry?" or "What do you need?"

When I use direct communication, I waste less time stewing over a potential problem by figuring out the mysterious emotional aspect. Instead, I acknowledge my vulnerability in not being able to quickly dissect feelings based on facial expressions, so I ask immediately once the detection is confirmed, with the skills that come naturally to me. The direct approach demonstrates to my partner that I truly want to know, creating a safe space for us both to express our needs.

2. Creating a Communication Code

In the past, I've encountered situations where nonverbal cues were difficult to interpret. For example, my partner often nods during our conversations, and I have sometimes spent excessive time trying to interpret the nod's speed or movement to determine if it indicates agreement. To resolve this, I worked with my partners to create a "communication code," establishing specific phrases to express agreement, discomfort, affection, or the need for space.

For instance, if I wanted to be close, I might say, "I want a hug." This kind of directness sets expectations and offers a choice to my partner to respond in their own way—whether they choose to engage, suggest something different, or simply acknowledge my feelings. I apply this approach even with my fur baby, despite our language barrier; I would request a hug before reaching out. It's simply about basic consent, and it's not very complicated.

3. Developing a Structure for Communication

I tend to dislike lengthy storytelling in communication and prefer getting straight to the point or quickly grasping the context. I'm naturally inclined towards solution-based thinking rather than focusing on the emotional aspects of a discussion. This approach might seem cold to my partner and may come across as not acknowledging their feelings.

Drawing from my experiences, I've created a method for my partner and me to test, aimed at improving our communication. For instance, I propose that we begin by stating the outcome of the discussion or by expressing a short sentence that best captures the feeling—though for me, this might be a sensation rather than an emotion—before digging into the specifics of the situation. This strategy helps us avoid creating unnecessary suspense about the unknown, which could unnecessarily escalate the conversation.

4. Acknowledging Emotional Experiences

When expressing love or concern, it’s important for both partners to feel validated. I’ve noticed that sharing some of my emotional experiences, like sadness, fatigue, and anxiety, can be more challenging. However, when I'm happy, my excitement and joy are evident on my face, and I sometimes even do a little wiggle—just like my furry baby.

I've discovered that channeling my creativity into writing about these experiences allows me to express my thoughts and feelings with humour, which I then share with my partner. This openness helps us acknowledge our emotional experiences, and the humour brings a lighthearted element. Alternatively, I might cook a feast using all our favourite ingredients, an activity we both enjoy, as a way to show affection and love.

Being Vulnerable and Authentic in Relationships

Vulnerability is choosing to trust ourselves to be open and honest with things that we think we should hide. That's really all there is to it. Often, it's simpler to keep our emotions, thoughts, desires, and opinions to ourselves, because as long as they remain in our minds, we avoid the risk of rejection.

The fear of being different can demand additional effort from many autistic women in the dating world, as the difference is often perceived negatively. Hence, we feel pressure to fit into roles that don’t suit us. Trusting in ourselves to be vulnerable and embracing our authentic selves is essential for forging genuine connections. Let's talk about ways to be vulnerable and authentic.

1. Being Open About Sensory Needs

Expressing sensory sensitivities has been important in my romantic relationships. For instance, I’ve shared why I might avoid crowded places or how bright lights can be overwhelming for me. This openness encourages understanding and even empathy. I recall a date where I mentioned that loud music was uncomfortable for me; my partner responded kindly and suggested quieter spots for future outings, which felt liberating.

2. Sharing Quirks

Being true to myself involves embracing my quirks. Whether it's my fascination in observing patterns in plants or sharing nutritional information about food ingredients, I showcase these traits with pride. This transparency often inspires my partners to share their own quirks, creating an environment of mutual understanding and deepening our connection.

3. Building Trust Through Honesty

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and being open about my feelings strengthens this trust. If I'm unsure about how I feel, I choose to talk to my partner rather than allowing it to manifest into withdrawal and disappear. This honesty not only reassures my partner but also initiates discussions about mental health, promoting a sense of teamwork in addressing our emotional needs.

The Fun and Hilarious Aspects of Dating

Dating offers enjoyable moments, but let’s not forget the hilariously awkward challenges that come with it! Celebrating the awkward instances can make the journey more fun.

The Awkward Dates

One time, I misunderstood an invitation to the cinema, thinking it was an opportunity to watch the movie my friends and I had been eager to see. I invited a few friends to join me. I had a great time, but later discovered that wasn't the inviter's intention. Despite this, we became friends, and that "date" turned into a running joke between us, illustrating how humour can ease awkward tension.

The Texting Game

Texting can be a minefield. One minute I'm crafting the perfect message in my mind, and the couple days later, I realise I actually hadn't replied. Congratulations! I’ve gone from being a potential love interest to "that person who is ignoring someone for no reason."

Miscommunication Mishaps

One of my favourite misunderstandings happened when I misinterpreted a casual "I like you" from a friend as him expressing his appreciation for our friendship. I responded with, "I like you too." To my surprise, he realised I didn't grasp his true feelings, but he continued to be direct for several years, and now he's my husband.

These funny moments still make us laugh, and we value the mishaps that offered us an opportunity to know each other slowly and helped me to fully understand the dating expectations before we began our relationship.

Shared Humour as Connection

Dating someone who shares my sense of humour immediately deepens our connection. I much prefer evenings filled with laughter over a romantic dinner in a fancy restaurant. Discovering a partner's comedic side supports the belief that humour is the key to establishing connections and lightens the burden that vulnerability can sometimes carry.

I'll allow the cute sloth in the illustration to demonstrate the importance of valuing your own pace. Don't let anyone rush you into connecting too quickly, rather, savour the slow-cooked outcomes and enjoy the simple pleasures.

Moving Forward in the Dating Adventures as Autistic Women

For autistic women, navigating romantic relationships can evoke a whirlwind of misunderstandings, unique experiences, and unforgettable moments. By reflecting on these unique experiences, taking the time to understand our own needs, using effective communication strategies, embracing vulnerability (which is just a fancy term for "I don't know how to flirt, but I promise I’m funny!"), and celebrating the funny side of dating mishaps, we can create enriching and engaging dating adventures of our own.

From the heartwarming moments of connection—like when you both realise you’re equally obsessed with dog videos, to the awkward exchanges that bring laughters, each experience adds to this adventure. I encourage my fellow autistic women to love your unique perspectives and draw strength from your individuality—after all, who needs a "normal" love life when you can have a spectacularly quirky one?

Ultimately, love should be filled with fun and joy. Sometimes, we grow from misunderstandings, while other times we laugh at those occasional "Did that really just happen?" moments. We might even uncover emotions we weren't aware of before, but it's all part of the adventure.

Understanding dating as autistic women offers pathways to deeper connections, fulfilling relationships, and the delightful discovery that your date also loves pineapple on pizza or shares your quirky interests. So, let’s enjoy the humour in it all!